Wednesday, March 15, 2006

"You fill me with inertia..."

Hardly hatemail, sure, but a recent arrival in the work post was a little bemusing.
It was just a cut-put of a fairly innocuous piece I'd recently written about proposed police reforms, pasted onto a blank A4 sheet only decorated with the angry comment, "Typical Tory liar!" and a "cc" for the editor of the Daily Mail - who, incidentally, is not at all my boss and would probably be more impressed than distressed by the nature of the allegation, but still...
All things considered, it seemed entirely worth the cost of the second-class stamp, and I hope it brought the sender certain satisfaction...
But as complaint missives go, it impressed me less than the email I once received out of the blue from a cult group calling themselves the "Friends Of Hecate", responding to a light-hearted, yes indeed, foolishly frivolous feature I wrote after a venture into Clapham Woods (no, not London, but West Sussex), supposedly the scene of various UFO-sightings, dog-nappings, animal sacrifices and worships on behalf of the afore-said Friends...
The moaning missive, sent a baffling nine months after publication, ticked me thoroughly off for being so dismissive of the Wiccan belief system, before signing off with the treasurable two-step:
"Get your facts right, you Christian bastard!
Best wishes,
Friends Of Hecate".

Sadly, my winsome reply, pledging genuine interest in an interview to put their side of the story, went unanswered...
But back to the "Typical Tory liar" jibe - well, I'd certainly take umbrage at part of that, as a lifelong wishy-washy Labourite - despite, or perhaps due to, growing up in the then-Thatcher-owned fiefdom of Finchley, and watching as the family homestead hosted local party HQ wakes as successive general election results rolled in (people would drift from one room to the other, one TV to the next, hoping against hope ITV would tell better tidings than the BBC...)
But as for the "liar" allegation, well, that might take a little trickier refuting...
And even then, you may not believe me...
After all, who could argue against the imperious scene from Pete'n'Dud's original Bedazzled, all the so-so-better for its total Hurleylessness...

George Spiggott (Peter Cook as the Devil): "Oh, by the way - I forgot to tell you something about Margaret Spencer."
Stanley Moon (Dudley Moore as a very short-order cook): "What's that?"
Pete: "She's dead."
Dud: "... Oh, she's not?"
Pete: "No, she's not. No, she's alive."
Dud: "Then why did you say that?"
Pete: "Malice. I'm a liar. I do it the whole time, I can't help it."
Dud: "Are you telling me that everything you've ever said is a lie?"
Pete: "Everything I've ever told you's been a lie. Including that."
Dud: "Including what?"
Pete: "That everything I've ever told you's been a lie. That's not true."
Dud: "I don't know what to believe."
Pete: "Not me, Stanley. Believe me..."

7 comments:

WDKY said...

Great sketch. I feel I have to take issue with you on a non-theological point of principle, though.

"...all the so-so-better for its total Hurleylessness..."? Are you mad?

Toxic said...

Did the "Typical Tory liar!" individual leave a return address on the envelope, they sound the type to do so.

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

I think your sense of wit is priceless!

Aidan said...

Lovely to look at she may be. Peter Cook-emulating comic performer she ain't. Stick to the pictures, so to speak.
The sender left no address, only a scrawled signature - which looked a little like Something Blair, if it looked like anything at all.

Samantha said...

Have just applied for the post of Trainee Reporter at my local paper today, thanks for letting me know all the fun I'm in for if I get it! :)

Mark Holland said...

Anybody lamenting the absence of any Hurleyesque action from the original Bedazzled should be more than compensated by the amazing form of Rachel Welch.

Ding, and, if you will, dong.

Anonymous said...

the letter you probley got was from charles walker.he made up the friends of hecate in clapham woods.if you reserch enough you will see nothing adds up.its all one big lie.