Apparently Her Maj has just turned 80, who'd have thought it...?
Good on 'ER.
But to pay adequate tribute to your 80 years of toil, I reckon it's best I hand over this woefully under-performing, under-entertaining blog to the perfect words of genius-of-genii Peter Cook, than whom no-one's contributions can be either finer nor funnier... (Taken from the posthumous anthology Tragically, I Was An Only Twin, into which I'm now deliriously dipping after finally ploughing through Roy Campbell-Greenslade's magnificent octopus on the post-war Press...)
Though the final paragraph does, several decades early, anticipate an odd old bugbear of mine own...
But in the meantime:
Over to you, the esteemed sage E L Wisty...:
I've always wanted to be a member of the royal family. I've always wanted to be part of the royal family because there are great advantages to being royal. If you're royal, whatever you do is very interesting. Whatever you do, people are very interested in it. Even if you do something very boring, people are still very interested in it. If a royal person does something extremely boring, people say, 'Oh, isn't that interesting that he's doing something extremely boring.'
If I do something extremely boring, people say, 'Oh, jow extremely boring', it's not so good.
You never get newspaper headlines saying, 'E L Wisty was looking radiant, as he got off the 17A bus, from Hounslow.' You don't see pictures saying, 'E L Wisty was looking tense but dignified as he entered the municipal baths.' You don't get that sort of treatment.
Another wonderful thing about being royal is that people get interested in what you're interested in. That's how the corgis have caught on, you see. Everybody loves a corgi because the royal people are connected with them.
I think newts have had a very hard time. If I was a royal person I think I would patronise the newts. They're lovely little creatures, newts, you know.
They are not as cuddly as corgis, of course. You don't nestle up to a newt as you would to a corgi, but they're lovely things. I'd have whole packs of royal newts wandering about the palace gardens and I'd be seen with them the whole time, and I'd create a special post called Royal Master of the Newts - The Lord High Newter, and he'd have to walk about with a golden stick, you see, tapping the ground continuously and saying, 'Newtarty, newtarty, let the world bring forth newts in abundance,' and then I think we'd see an end to the corgis and a beginning of the newts.
Of course, there are disadvantages to being royal. Everybody has to come in backwards, you see. That's a disadvantage. They have to come in and go out backwards if they're in the royal presence. That's why you only see royalty dancing with royalty. They can't dance with ordinary people unless they're back-to-back with them. And that's never really caught on, that sort of thing.
Of course, if you're royal, it's wonderful to be able to tell royal jokes, that's very wonderful. You always get a good laugh if you tell a royal joke. I'd tell lots of royal jokes if I was royal. For example, if someone gave me a wonderful silver newt container, a newt casket, I'd say, 'Thank you very much indeed for this wonderful gift of a newt casket. I hope it's not going to be a bloody newtsense.'
All of England would be chuckling if I said that. That's the point of royalty, to make people a tiny bit happier in their drab life.
We've all got royal blood in our veins, you know. It's the best place for it in my view. We've all got a little bit of royal blood in our veins, we're all in line for the succession, and if nineteen million, four hundred thousand, two hundred and eight people die, I'll be king tomorrow. It's not very likely but it's a nice thought and helps to keep you going.
Indeed. Now this is something I've often, indulgently pondered: where, exactly, in line to the British throne do I sit?
Okay, I acknowledge it no doubt changes specifically almost every second, but I'd appreciate an approximate placing.
Just for an idea of how regal and close to aristocratic eminence I am, as compared to my friends, that is.
And just to get an idea of what, and who, exactly I must do.
When the right time comes...